Grief in Publishing

How to mourn a dream that never happened

My literary agent let me go earlier this week. Before I continue, I’ll be clear: this is not a tea post. She is a lovely person and a great agent. I couldn’t give her a project she could sell, and I knew the writing was on the wall long ago. But I was too scared to end the relationship.

When she signed me in 2020, I was high on being accepted. I had also gotten a second interview for a library director job I really wanted, and my writers’ group was planning a mini-retreat. Everything was gonna be great… until everything shut down and chaos reigned.

I continued to revise my little book, then write another one. And another. And another. And my agent was there to support me, giving me the validation I so desperately craved (especially after not getting that library director job).

But none of those books sold.

This last book, the one I couldn’t finish for my agent, is still haunting me. I’ve written thousands of words on it and thrown them all away. I’ve started over six times. I’m ashamed of it, of how I failed it like everything else I’ve tried to achieve. And I disappointed her enough for her to remove me from her list.

My dream of traditional publishing seems unreachable now. But I’m not alone. Grief in publishing is real. We must mourn our dreams as they slip away rejection by rejection. That doesn’t mean we won’t succeed later—anything can happen—but we also need to give ourselves space for this pain. It’s heavy.

I’m a planner, and right now I’d love to have one. Go full indie and release the four books that never saw the light of day? Commit to that route and to validation from readers alone, not the traditional gatekeepers? Or do I write an entirely new book, jump back into the query trenches, and chase another acceptance?

The truth is that right now I have to be okay with not having a plan. I need to be with the emotions. Let myself feel them. I can’t get up and try again, not until those wounds heal, and I invite others to do the same. We work best when we are whole.

My short story collection, I Loved the Mothman and Other Stories, comes out next Tuesday. I’ve barely done anything to promote it because of what happened. But at least I have that little book, with its beautiful cover and words I wrote inside. And maybe I can teach myself that I don’t need someone else to validate my work.

I Loved the Mothman and Other Stories will be available on October 1 and can be purchased anywhere books are sold.

Purchase directly from me and receive a signed copy.